McKinnon: As you age, try becoming the best fudge you can be

I am very surprised to find I am getting older. I didn’t expect this. I didn’t sign up for this. Yet, here it is.

I nightly “water” myself before bed—wetting eye drops, nose spray, skin cream. I time my bathroom breaks with my pregnant daughter-in-law. I closely watch commercials and wonder just which Medicare plan will really be right for me. Everyone ages.

Have you heard of “The Epic of Gilgamesh”? Written on clay tablets, in Mesopotamian times (1600 B.C. to 1155 B.C.), it follows the journey of the hero, Gilgamesh. He wishes to find the secret of immortality after his best friend, Erkidu, dies.

After a perilous journey, Gilgamesh reaches the home of a sage, Utnapishtim, who has been granted immortality after surviving a great flood (he built a waterproof boat). Utnapishtim tells Gilgamesh that he must stay awake for six days, and seven nights, to become fully immortal.

Of course Gilgamesh fails. He is heartbroken. Utnapishtim’s wife persuades her husband to give Gilgamesh a consolation prize—an herb—that will restore his youth. Alas! Gilgamesh loses the plant by leaving it on the shore while he goes swimming.

A stealthy snake steals and eats it, thereby explaining why snakes continually shed their skins. Even reptiles wish for eternal youth!

If we are lucky to live long enough, we all struggle with the concept of aging. For me, I realize that my body is like a used car. It still runs but the parts are more and more expensive to replace. I receive fewer “what a beauty” comments. It’s OK. Some dents just do not come out of the paint.

My brain continues to absorb knowledge though the rest of me is beginning to show a few miles. For one thing, I have learned, during almost 30 years of practicing law, to set better boundaries with others.

Drama no longer rules my life. This is thanks to the accumulated wisdom obtained (the hard way) from every teenager I have raised. I am more aware of my limitations now than I was at 21. I am also more at peace. I know now that I don’t have to be the best at everything to be happy.

Getting older has finally convinced me that I don’t need to “win” at everything.

You may not feel compelled to convince opposing counsel that your client is right on every issue, before you settle a case, like you did when you were a baby attorney.

You may have what I call “whatever” hearings in your cases. You know the case law and the applicable statutes. Due to your experience, you’re pretty sure you know what the judge is going to do. You’ve told your client. You’ve told opposing counsel. No one believes you. You have to do the hearing. It turns out you were right. Whatever. Hopefully, you still get paid.

I think getting older is a lot like making fudge. There’s only a few main ingredients to stir together in making fudge: a stick of butter, a can of condensed milk, a few packages of semi-sweet chocolate chips and, maybe, some vanilla.

You can add other special ingredients—just like adding a legal “concentration” to your law practice. Some people add marshmallow fluff (adoption cases), or chopped nuts (business litigation), white chocolate (white collar crimes), or even peanut butter (family law—it’s always sticky).

But basic fudge is pretty much the same. Just like the life of an attorney. We all go to school, get some kind of job, try to fall in love, and end up aging. It doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time.

It takes time to make really good fudge as well. You have to stir and stir and stir the pot over very low heat for a long, long time. Good fudge has been stirred constantly, up and down, so the fudge doesn’t burn on the bottom.

Maybe you’ve had many “ups,” such as graduating law school, winning your first case, or finally falling in love. You’ve likely had a few “downs” as well: losing a parent, losing a case, or just plain losing your enthusiasm to practice law.

With good fudge, after much stirring and time, the mixture suddenly turns glossy and thick. There “lumps” are gone. The batter smells like deliciousness. It is ready to “set.” Just like your legal career, it may be time for you to come off the high pressure “burner” of the practice of law. Time to think about doing something else.

What could it be? What could you use your laser-like attorney focus on next? What hobbies did you have that didn’t survive the intense parts of your career? Is there a friend who has been waiting for you to make the next step and renew contact? Can you actually help provide childcare for a grandchild and get to nap when they nap? Is that even possible in real life?

You’re probably wondering, “but is it rewarding to retire?” According to the World Health Organization, “If people can experience their extra years of life in good health, and if they live in a supportive environment, their ability to do the things they value will be little different from that of a younger person.”

Could this be you? Maybe? If you’re looking for suggestions on what to do next, Indiana attorney Kevin McGoff has published a book, through the ABA, offering techniques on how to find an affirming life outside the practice of law. It’s called “Find Your Landing Zone: Life Beyond the Bar.”

Mark Twain once said, “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, then it doesn’t matter.” And, if you can’t imagine how to start this journey, or how to make the fudge glossy, then reach out for help. The Indiana Judges and Lawyer Assistance Program is here for you.

You can do it. Intentionally. Gracefully aging is not an accident. Be the best fudge you can be.•

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Patty McKinnon is a solo family law attorney with an office in Indianapolis and a long-time volunteer with the Indiana Judges and Lawyers Assistance Program.