St. John on perfectionism: When did good become not good enough?

Recently, I completed a 25-page handbook at work. Or at least I thought I had.

More accurately, I had reached the point where I shared the final draft with others for their feedback.

When the first red-line version came back to me, I felt defeated. Every self-doubt I had carried into authoring the handbook suddenly shouted in my head “you’re a failure,” and “you’re not good enough.” The cloud of discouragement hanging over my head overshadowed the reviewer’s opinion that the draft was “solid.”

Perfectionism at its absolute best.

I always felt confident throughout my high school and collegiate years when learning was easy and brought me joy. My self-assurance wobbled when academics became harder during law school and got even more unsteady after difficult personal and professional challenges in the coming years. Over time, I found myself striving for perfection and then berating myself for my less than perfect outcomes.

The idea of striving for perfection seems a laudable goal. We grew up, encouraged by those we trusted, to do our best, to work hard, to compete. Lawyers learn that they should be in control, know the answers, be meticulous, and never make a mistake.

Competitiveness, pessimism, and an adversarial nature are the very traits that made us ideal law school admittees. It is no surprise that lawyers might equate being perfect with doing their best. But is it healthy?

According to the 2023 ALM and Law.com Compass Mental Health Survey of the Legal Profession, more than 50% of lawyers said they “felt a sense of failure or self-doubt, lost emotion, felt increasingly cynical and negative, and had decreased satisfaction and sense of accomplishment.”

About 71% of the nearly 3,000 lawyers surveyed said they had anxiety, 38% said they dealt with depression, and 31% struggled with another mental health issue. About 49% of lawyers also reported that mental health problems and substance use are at a crisis level in the legal profession.

Perfectionism is a personality trait characterized by lofty expectations and standards — the drive to appear, be, and feel perfect. Elizabeth Scott, in her article Perfectionism: 10 Signs of Perfectionist Traits, tells us that perfectionism can manifest itself as engaging in efforts to control others, feeling pushed by fear of appearing as anything other than perfect, holding excessively high personal standards, or exhibiting overly critical self-evaluation. Perfectionism can result in self-doubt and fear.

As Michael Law says: “At its root, perfectionism isn’t really about a deep love of being meticulous. It’s about fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of failure. Fear of success.”

Perfectionism may cause feelings that our accomplishments are never good enough. The belief that we must give more than 100% on everything we do, or we will be a failure, can become an unhealthy driving force in our daily activities. We can lose sight of striving for success, having replaced it with the idea that perfection is the only acceptable goal.

Procrastination and missed deadlines may be the result of our insistence that the petition, answer, motion, or order must be “just right” before submission. Fear of failure, mistakes, or disapproval can cause overthinking to the point where it becomes more difficult to decide. Excessive or unduly harsh criticism, workplace culture, family relationships, past trauma, and unrealistic expectations can contribute to perfectionism.

Brené Brown describes perfectionism as “the twenty-ton shield we carry around hoping that it will keep us from getting hurt. When in truth what it does is it keeps us from being seen.”

When I first heard this, I had an overwhelming sense of understanding — a homecoming of sorts. Until then, I had not acknowledged how many opportunities I did not take in my personal and professional life because of my fear of failure. Rather than risking failure, I avoided the task at hand.

According to psychotherapist Katherine Schafler, perfectionists can be procrastinators (waiting to begin until conditions are perfect but believe that they are lazy), messy (superstar idea generators who get bogged down in the middle of the project and feel that they are not disciplined enough), intense (razor-focused and can complete the task but do so at the cost of their own well-being), parisian (want to be perfectly liked or perfectly understood but can present an inauthentic version of themselves in order to connect), or classic (highly organized and dependable but can feel taken for granted).

When I am feeling vulnerable, I can see in myself the parisian and classic perfectionist ideals.

Protecting our mental health starts by reframing our mindset. Distinguish healthy striving — the sense that we want to be the best we can be — from the perfectionistic concern for what people will think of us.

Maintain an internal focus. Set ambitious standards but avoid impossible goals. Learn to enjoy the process of the task at hand without placing emphasis solely on the outcome. Evaluate success in terms of what we accomplish and whether we enjoy the task. Pursue things that bring us joy. Challenge self-defeating thoughts. Learn to move through disappointment rather than collapsing underneath its weight. View mistakes as opportunities for growth and accept helpful feedback as learning opportunities. Accept that you are enough.

As psychotherapist Nathaniel Branden says: “The feeling that ‘I am enough’ does not mean that I have nothing to learn, nothing further to achieve, and nowhere to grow to. It means that I accept myself, that I am not on trial in my own eyes, that I value and respect myself. This is not an act of indulgence but of courage.”

If you are interested in learning more about healthy striving, I invite you to contact the Indiana Judges and Lawyers Assistance Program (JLAP) at 317-833-0370.

For those who wondered, I successfully worked through the perfectionist pitfalls and the handbook is finished. I am proud to say that the final product is stronger and will be a great tool for our many JLAP volunteers beginning January 2, 2025.

If you are an active or retired member of the Indiana legal community, please consider joining our valuable corps of volunteers who provide peer support to law students, lawyers, supreme court employees, and judges across our fine state. You can express your interest here or by contacting me at [email protected].•

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Rebecca St. John, J.D,. is a clinical case manager at the Indiana Judges and Lawyers Assistance Program (JLAP). Prior to turning her focus to lawyer well-being, Rebecca practiced law in Indiana for 30 years.